Cell Phones

I have heard the saying, when one door closes another door opens, all through my life... I have always seen it to be true, but right now, I think I have found it be at a point when I needed it the most. Although, I have the most amazing boyfriend and future husband in the world, unfortunately, while incarcerated he is unable to help out financially. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but the cost of traveling, phone calls, and a house phone, letters, and so forth truly add up. I was working 70 hours a week to make all of these things happen. Unfortunately, my hours have been reduced to 49 hours a week now. So I had to make cuts in my budgeting. The first thing that had to go was the visits... then the phone...
I have not seen my boyfriend since July 7, 2012... It has been way to long.. Although, I believe and maintain hope that it will happen... and that is sooner rather than later! I believe and I will receive! I turned my home phone off on October 2, 2012 at that point I knew the cell phones were coming, I just did not know a time frame... The home phone was very costly, and the way we used our minutes we were like little kids that didn't understand how quickly 26 cents a minute accumulates. So it had to be done with the budget restraints of the hour loss.
So that door has been shut, I have been paying off all of my bills from when my pay was more than it is now. Those should be paid down by next week... This week, TDC decided to approve calls made from inmates to cell phones! I was so excited. I attempted to call the Texas Friends and Family to add my information so that he could call me. Every prison wife and girlfriend must have been calling too because my 27th call finally landed me with a live representative! I kept receiving a voice recording that all representatives were busy and I could leave a message, but the mailbox was full!
I was ecstatic! Finally after 27 calls I finally could make this happen! I was beyond worried, since my cell phone is not in my name! However, they approved the add and sent it to TDC for the last approval. That can take up to 5 days. After that it can be an additional 5 days to activate. It never took that long in the past, but with all the people adding cell phones at this point, it might just take that long...
I can't wait for the ability to talk to my ole man again! I have not told him that I know that the cell phones were approved, I am pretty sure he is aware though! I think I am going to wait for the approval to tell him, and just tell him to go to the phone and dial this number.. lol. I think it will be awesome to hear his voice again! I know that we won't be able to talk a lot, but once a week will make me happy! He is my rock! Hearing his voice just makes it all come together! I am ever so thankful that TDC approved cell phones! This makes it just a little easier on me... I am going to continue to hold it down here and wait for him to come home!

L-O-V-E... What it means to me

When your love is separated by bars, you don't realize some of the things you don't have or even how important they are until a specific situation arises... For me, my aunt died on Monday and it has proven to me just how difficult it can be. When you have a love one that dies you don't realize how much closeness you want and need from the others in your life that you love. You do not realize how much you want the person you love to hold you. Unfortunately, he was unable to be with me through this time. He was unable to hold me, he was unable to talk to me on the phone as well, because of the financial situation I am currently in. So I had to turn off my home phone, but the option of using a cell phone is coming, and I cannot wait for that ability.
There are so many situations where you learn in an nontraditional relationship as this, that you have certain things in a relationship that make it easier, that are comforting... In our relationship, it has forced us to learn so much more about each other. In many situations that I come into, I can hear his voice, and know exactly what he would tell me! I know the words that he would tell me... I know how he would look at me... I know how he would hold me... That knowledge makes the situations go a lot smoother, because no matter our situation that we are in or the situations life throws our way, I know I have his love, and that will never change.

Many people do not understand why a person would wait for another individual for a length of time while incarcerated. The answer to me is simple. L-O-V-E! Can you describe love? To me defining love is very difficult; however, when you experience love, you will go to extreme measures for that love. As a parent, you will do absolutely anything for your child that you love unconditionally. The same can be said in a relationship. I have never claimed to be perfect and never will. However, I know that God blessed me with a man that excepts my many flaws! When I am afraid and run, he takes me back. Eventually, he learned my behaviors and caught me before running any more! He loves me even when I am a complete ditz! He excepts my son as his own. He believes that it is my world, and he is just living in it... I swear, that is better than prince charming! In the same, I except that he is my soul mate. I want to spend forever with him. He is the man that I want to marry. With that said, if I have to wait another year or even until 2015, it is worth it, as long as it is the right man.
I don't find the situation any different than the many years I have spent as a single mother. I have raised my son on my own with no financial help nor a father in the picture at all. How does that change my life? It gives the ability to not settle with a man, and marry the man of my dreams.
It may be difficult for some to understand; however, don't judge my walk until you have been in my shoes. I am a strong woman and this has proven true through the past few days with the death of my aunt. Would I have loved to have him hold me as I cried? Yes. Would I have loved to have him hold me while I fall asleep, or comb my hair while I drift to sleep? Yes, and yes. Would I want him there to wipe my tears? Again, the answer remains yes. However, he is with my still, I know that. He loves me unconditionally. He prays for me.      I could care less if people want to judge me and mine. I am not sure that people really understand that their thoughts and beliefs do not have any affect on my life and my choices. I am happy. He makes me very happy. He brings a smile to my face. I love him beyond measure. I will be his Mrs. People need to realize that this will not change my life, I will only grow to be a stronger individual. My love will continue to grow as well, and we will have a much stronger relationship.
Statistics are against our relationship succeeding; however, when we make it through his incarceration, it will only pave the way to a successful relationship as well. We will be much stronger than the next couple. We will know each other much better as well.
So until the day that I marry him in what ever form I chose to do so in, or until the day he is released do not question me and act as if you know what is best for my life... If I chose to wait to marry in 2015 will it make me any less of a person? Will it affect you in any way? Please, realize that to me, I can make it with out my man here to hold me, because his love wraps around me and protects me... I believe that is enough.

Our Un-traditional Relationship

          A year and a half, almost two years ago I questioned if I would ever find love again? Much to my dismay the person that was going to be in my future was a man of my past that I fell in love with over 9 years ago. I couldn't be happier having him to spend my time with; however, I did not realize what an un-traditional relationship would consist of when I first got in a relationship with him back in February 2012, while he was locked up... I just knew that with a maximum sentence date of May 29, 2015, I would pray for an early release at his next parole in October of 2012. Well, needless to say 2012 has been a roller coaster ride for us, but nevertheless, I would not change any of it!
          For those that don't know his name, its Cowboy, well, of course that isn't his given name, but it might as well be, that is how everyone knows him, and if you heard that sweet draw of his, you would know that is just one of the reasons for his name. I find it ironic that I questioned if I would ever find love again. I never in a million years thought that I would rekindle a connection with this man. Beyond that, I never thought a relationship with him while behind bars was possible. I didn't realize that un-traditional relationships were possible. Although, I felt that if I could handle that he was still married but they were separated, and were in the process of starting a divorce, I could handle what had to come forth prior to him paroling out.
          The relationship has led to knowing that he is the one I will marry. Of course, I have to wait, as the divorce process has not been an easy one. The judge is taking his sweet time to set a court date and make decisions on certain motions brought before him... But I think there is finally light at the end of that tunnel. Not saying it doesn't hurt the love of my life, but with children involved, hurt is bound to play a part. Of course, when hurt is involved in any part of a prisoner's life, it involves the significant other as well. Again, I don't find that the issues that arise from such are not worth standing by your man as a life with the one you love involves going through the pain with them and not walking away. I do find it ironic though, how when we first started talking about marriage, we decided on a date one month after his maximum sentence date to ensure he was out of prison. Through time, we have realized how an informal marriage may be a better option for us until he does receive parole or he is able to walk out of those gates as a free man.
          The un-traditional relationship comes with many different issues of their own and I plan on sharing those different issues as they arise. That is not to even mention the personal issues that we have as individuals. Of course, a relationship is not without conflict and personal issues in a traditional relationship either. However, when in an un-traditional relationship, you find it difficult as you can't just be in each other's arms, you have so many limitations, especially if you are not a wife. I plan on sharing the issues that we face and how we handle them. I believe that one of the greatest factors of our relationship is how he is the glue that holds us together. If you know me, you know that I love to run from a relationship when I get scared. The fact that he is not here, makes it that much more difficult. I have tried to run from him multiple times, and the first couple of times he took me back, but the last time, he knew what I was doing.
          I can't believe how much this un-traditional relationship has allowed us to learn about each other. I feel that in some aspects, the un-traditional relationship is the main reason we are still together. We have had to learn communication. We have had to open up about things we might not have if we were not in the predicament we are in.
          After he came up for parole this year, the parole board gave him another denial, with a set off until September of 2013. We have another year to find out if he will come home next year, or if they will give him another set off. The fear is unbelievable at this point if parole is possible anymore. However, in the words of my ole man, love conquers all. So it doesn't matter to me if he comes home next year. I mean, yes of course, I am going to try everything to work on putting a parole packet together to ensure he comes home, but if he doesn't that does not change us! I am here forever.
          I have a man that loves not only me, but excepts my son as his own. He is a better father behind bars, than his biological father was when he was stationed in the Army two hours from me. My son has had more conversations over the phone with him, received letters from him, sent letters to him, sent pictures to him, they have a relationship all on there own without me having to force anything, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world! My son loves this man as his father but as of now, does not know where he is, just thinks he is away working a lot. This man excepts me with all my flaws, even the huge flaws that I continue to try to work on. I could not see my life without him, and hope if you are in the same situation that something I say will help you in your journey!
          Love separated by bars is possible. It just takes two people willing to work at it and find their way together. We are writing our fairy tale day to day and knowing that each day brings us one day closer to him being home!